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Published on May 20th, 2014 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

The Problem With Gay Men, is Gay Men!

by Rick Clemons

Ok boys, men, gurls. Whatever you like to be called. I really don’t care, cause I’m slipping into my sassy Diva mode to dole out some tough love! So buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Let’s start with the basics so that we’re not hiding behind an excuse that anyone can use. We’re all human. I know, “DUH!” Please, put that excuse out to dry with your week old jock and move on. While you’re at it, hang this one out to dry as well, “It’s because of my upbringing.” Honey, we’re all human and we all got brought up in some tragic way so, man up and let’s get to the real reasons we gay men have problems!

As the title states clearly, “The Problem With Gay Men, Is Gay Men!” Plain and simple. We’re our own worst enemies, guided by a drama driven script that even the writers of Sex In The City couldn’t have written better. That’s not to say, we’re all bad or that our lives suck. However, there is a recurring undercurrent in our community that “life sucks” and not in a pleasurable way, even though pleasurable sucking often leads to our life sucking because we can’t suck enough. I’ll give you a minute to let that one set in. Ok, times up.

For all our fabulousness, charm, talents, and good looks, we gay men sure have a way of making our problems monumental. And they say women are drama queens! Rather than steal the crown from the women, let’s dissect a few of the problems we gay men bring upon ourselves.

The cock is always the master! Whether you’re a size queen or not, or just ashamed of your penis size, we gay men seem to obsess about our penises more than the average man. Granted, straight guys do too, but they don’t talk about it. I personally love a nice penis as much as the next guy, but I’ve found if I fixate on that area of his body, then I miss the other stuff that’s just as pleasurable, like a great conversation, or a killer smile. Problem Fix: Remember the penis is only as powerful as the man it hangs from, and eventually they both shrivel and quit working like they used to.

Green green pastures. Nothing new here, except the pasture you think is greener might – operative word MIGHT – have a 6-pack versus a 5-pack, and a bank account that’s not consistently overdrawn. Whether you’re scruffing on Scruff, Grinding on Grindr, or Growling on Growlr, there’s always going to something potentially better on the next App over. Nothing wrong with wanting a better guy, sex, or intimacy, but seriously, if that causes you to play coy, and play the “maybe card,” is it really any wonder you can’t get a guy to do anything other than, “Wassup?” with ya? Problem Fix: Practice the golden rule and no you can’t use the golden ruler to measure your length and girth. Instead, do unto the guy on Scruff, Grindr, or Growlr as you would want him to do unto you, which has nothing to do with sexual position preferences. Be the guy you want the guy to be so that you can quit aimlessly trolling through pastures.

Shy away, fly away. Like the little boy who called wolf, the more you shy away from guys, and play hard to get, the more you’ll see guys fly away from you, even if you live in a grand gay metropolis like WEHO or San Francisco. Word does get around. However, it’s not what people will say about ya, it’s the vibe you give off that could begin to lead guys to take flight before you’ve even landed in a conversation. Problem Fix: Land longer, and more genuinely. Instead of snap judgments, and “No how, No way,” at first sight, park it with a guy for at least long enough to make a good effort. What are you afraid of? It’s not like he’s a lesbian with the U-Haul waiting in the wings. Even if he is, then genuinely, without being catty, let him know why you need to fly away. The more honest you are with guys about why they’re square peg doesn’t fit your round hole, the sooner you’ll have authentic dialogue and project an energy of curiosity and exploration.

Make Friendly With The “C” Word. Not asking you to swallow if that’s not your thing. Simply suggesting that you at least try to say Commitment like you mean it. I know, it’s scary just thinking and imagining being committed. However, I’m going to call BS on that thought. Everyone knows how to be Committed, but for some reason, being Committed to one man, for the rest of your life is as scary as catching Mom and Dad making whoopee on the dining room table last Thanksgiving. Problem Fix: Ask yourself “Why?” Why do you desire commitment? Once you’ve found the answer(s), ask yourself “What does commitment look like to me and what am I willing to do to be in a committed relationship?” There is no rulebook even though everyone else would like to have us follow his commitment handbook. I encourage you to, Create Your Commitment Handbook!” This way, you’re living by your commitment rules, not someone else’s. Of course the third part of the equation is a little trickier, finding someone who’s playing by a similar handbook. In actuality, they’re out there. It’s the law of averages. If you thought of it and want to live by it, your not the only one. The difference is you had the courage to create the handbook for yourself to prevent yourself from feeling more pain, so that you could be in a committed relationship, however that looks for you.

That belief costs you $50, your happiness, and potentially your life. Go ahead! Blame Mom and Dad all those beliefs they introduced you to growing up that still haunt you but don’t serve you. Quite honestly, if you have beliefs that aren’t pumping you up, then they’re costing you more than $50. I just pulled $50 out of my Andrew Christians as a starting point. Problem Fix: Build your bank account, by paying yourself $50 for each belief that you get rid of and change that’s not having a positive impact on your life, even if you only pay yourself metaphorically speaking. What you’ll find is the minute you shift any negative, non-serving belief into a energy building belief that inspires you, money won’t matter. You’ll be what matters and the amount of self-love, and self-confidence will be priceless.

Here’s just a few more quick hits about why The Problem With Gay Men Is Gay Men!

  • We don’t love ourselves enough to know how to love someone else and then we bitch because we can’t find love. Hello, the work begins at home!
  • Our focus is outward driven instead of inward. All the fab duds in the world can’t dress up a bitchy, woe is my heart.
  • We are the sum total of the five gay men we spend most of our time with. Ok, I admit, I stole that one from motivational speaker Jim Rohn and adapted to fit this bill, but it’s true. If your having problems in your gay world, look at who you’re surrounded by, it just might make you go “Hmmm, and not because you’ve got something in your mouth and can’t talk.
  • Acceptance doesn’t require blindly following. I know I’m not the only one who’s stepped into a gay meca – you know the gayborhoods – and noticed as different as all the gay men are they all sure look, dress, and act a lot alike. BE YOUR OWN SELF!
  • Being gay is as unique as the man who is gay, and that’s perfectly acceptable. You spent way to much time pretending to be someone you weren’t before you came out, why go back into another closet, pretending to be the perfect gay man which is simply another closet.

And with that, I going to remove my Sassy Diva outerwear, and slip into something a little more comfortable – me, the real me, a gay man who’s used to seeing himself in the mirror without flinching. Of course my mirror is from the shoulders up so I don’t have to look at my quadruple muffin top!

Are you struggling with finding yourself in your gay life and living in a fulfilled way? Maybe it’s nothing more than getting clear, stepping back to you, and opening the doorway to consistent truth playing with the inner you. Sign up today for a complimentary life coaching session – CLICK HERE!

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