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Published on June 18th, 2013 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

The Great Liar

by Roger Goodman, M. Div.

Now, don’t you think it is very interesting that Gaymen call crystal meth “Tina”, a woman’s name, when the drug is pure evil, the great liar, the consummate deceiver (these are also common names that are used for Satan)?  And sexually, she has two very powerful female archetypes: the seductress and the Queen.  Male archetypes (Priapus, Warrior Lover, Zeus, the Master, the Slave, the daddy, and the bad boy) spring up as well in feelings of dominance with my sex partner.  Why is “Tina” so different from all other drugs (I know because I have used nearly every drug known)She offers us the forbidden fruit. She is the temptress, and her promises are purely lies. She is the Serpent, the Dark Feminine. She is Medea who killed her children by burning them alive because she thought that Jason, her husband, had been unfaithful. She is Ereshkigal, the dark Goddess who lives in the Underworld and peels the flesh from our bodies after seducing us down to her Realm, sister of Innana, Goddess of Light. Tina also seduces us into her dark Realm and peels the flesh off our bodies by telling us that we are stunningly beautiful, completely socially comfortable, not at all internally homophobic, bursting with self-esteem, making us think we are invincible and are, all of us, Greek gods with the bodies of Adonis. In fact, that’s how we saw each other. Every man I looked at was a potential fuck with an exquisite body (no matter that the bodies were plain and normal and beautiful unto themselves) and the chances that such was the case were more possible than not. The worst thing crystal does is make us believe with every fiber of our being that when we are having sex high on crystal, we are having sex with God, because the sex is so incredibly intense and utterly connected to body and spirit (although only in false and deceiving ways) and it can go on for days and nights without end. Tina also makes us throw away the condom, which thereby spreads HIV and other STI’s. Because we really believe that we are having sex with the Divine Presence, there cannot be any kind of barrier, such as latex, between the two men. It must be flesh to flesh in order to achieve the false samadhi Tina offers us.  She really is a lying bitch, and I was sucked into her web of death upon my first line. One line, and I knew I had come home. One line and I was hooked like a tuna. Immediately after the one line, I did something I never thought I would do in my whole career as a drug addict. I was injected with liquid crystal and went into what I thought was Heaven on Earth and that I was a powerful, beautiful angel in the Heavenly Realm, when it was, quite frankly and yet unknown to me, the Ninth Circle of Hell from Dante’s Inferno.  I was to be stuck there, easing my pain and fucking my brains out in order to ease it, spending a good deal of three months high on Miss Tina. I feel like I have to say, “Miss Tina, honey” like an African American Drag Queen, something Cyon Flare would say about Tina, Although Cyon is not an addict. I was to be stuck there, easing my pain and fucking my brains out in order to ease it, for the next three months. Some people use crystal for years and complain that they used so much that they “accidentally” got addicted. That’s the first lie an addict tells herself/himself.  “I am not John, who is a real addict. He can’t stop.  I can stop anytime I wish. I haven’t used so much, at least not as much as (put in any name of my brothers in CMA)”.  In just three months, I lost everything.  I lost my career, I lost my partner of thirteen years (although that was no big loss, just celebratory, because it was on the rocks anyway), I lost my home, I lost my furniture, and most of all I lost my beloved cats Scupper, Acme, and K.D. (I now have my sweet Murfee and mischievous Gizmo-they are mine and Jerry’s)
Now it’s been eight years and exactly three months since I got clean and sober and I am in the most exquisite, powerfully spiritual, utterly respectful of who each of us is and not who we want the other to be (which is what Jack did all the time) kind of relationship. Sex is difficult after crystal meth addiction, because we associate sex and crystal so monolithically, but new neuro-pathways get formed and we become real and in the Program, we learn what good, healthy sex really is as we work the Steps. We become so honest, open minded, and willing to make a new life for ourselves, to look at ourselves with clear and wisdom-filled eyes, searching for our shadows because they are our very important dark sides of psyche) both of us (Jerry is an addict as well, just a different fellowship) look to the tools of the program to make our relationship soberly loving, not being codependent, not being power mongers, not being intolerant, not being judgmental, and positively finding, because of our spiritual connection which runs as deep as the San Andreas Fault, that sexually we are a great match, because the sex comes out of a deeply held spiritual bond, a love that is real, that comes from deep in the cave of the heart where our Higher Powers dwell. We are utterly authentic with each other, expecting that each of us will honor exactly who each of us is, and we can live our “golden years” together (I am 67 yo., and Jerry is 73 yo.)
I can honestly say that the cycle of abuse has been broken. I know abuse no longer, because I am clean and sober. All the 9th Step Promises have come true, because I am powerfully working my program of recovery. Now I can get on with learning even more about my spouse fully and richly and as I expect, as the Big Book says, “more will be revealed” as we walk our sober paths together in this gorgeous, magnificent City-by-the-Lake with its new Spring blossoming trees, greenly growing buds on the ends of branches, lawns a rich Irish green, a blue cloudless sky, and what feels now, after winter, like the nascent warm, balmy breezes off the Lake that with its enormous, miles-long park along the Lake Front, make this city such a happy, sober, friendly and deeply loving place to live. I am content and my life has come to its still point with a peace and serenity, as I have never known prior to my recovery work. Blessings abound.
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Roger Goodman, M. Mus., M. Div. attended Oberlin College during the tumultuous 1960s during the Civil Rights Movement and protests over the War in Vietnam. He was present at the watershed Stonewall Rebellion in NYC in June, 1969. He had an international career as a concert harpsichordist, teacher, and recording artist. He was on the faculty of The New School for Social Research in New York City, the American Conservatory of Music in Chicago, and the School of Music at DePaul University as Director of the Baroque Program, a post he held for 23 years. In 2009, Roger left the world of music to become a filmmaker. He is Executive Director of his 501(c)(3) corporation Tribal Elder Productions, NFP which he formed in 2010 and is the screen writer, and director for his documentary film “From the Ashes Risen” for which he is currently seeking funding through grants and the private sector. His new book is entitled, Thoughts of a Tribal Elder: One Queerman’s Journey From the Ashes Risen. Roger has been HIV+ since the early 1980’s and was diagnosed with full-blown AIDS in 1995 when he died during a lengthy coma, but, miraculously. he came back from death. He says the reason he came back was because he had important transformational work to do in the world for Queer people everywhere. His speaking and workshops on college and university campuses, his teaching/performing, his film, and his book are the fruits of that extraordinary journey with the Death Crone. A sex and drug addict in 12-Step Recovery, he has been clean from all drugs and sexual acting out for 8 years, since 2005. He is thoroughly grateful to his Higher Power that his life was given back to him so that he could do the work he has been given to do with enthusiasm, humility, and unending joy. Websites: www.queerwitness.com and www.tribalelderproductions.org.

 

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