Past Issues Man sitting on a bench using a laptop

Published on February 15th, 2015 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles


Sexy, Good, Funny App Profiles

by Rick Clemons

Yes, I’m married. Yes, I’m on Scruff and Growlr. If you have a problem with that, then, you have a problem with that…not me. And, that’s all the info you’re going to get out of me as to why I’m on those apps.

Ok, ok. Enough torture. Well it wasn’t’ really all that much torture. I’ve endured more and liked it. But let’s get back to the real reason I’m on those apps. They entertain me. The evasiveness, the overt flirting, and the more than occasional, initial greeting, “Private Photo’s Unlocked.” Really? At the crack of dawn the last thing I want to see is your CRACK! Even if it is a nice one!

Truth be told one of the main reasons I enjoy these apps is for research. I delve into the psyche of the gay man. Now of course, as soon as some of you guys read this, you’ll log onto your apps, search for me, and BLOCK me. Here, Ill make it easy – user name CoachRick. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, get over your scared selves for crying out loud. It’s not like I’m going to tell your mother, father, brother, boyfriend, or the trick your with at the party, how we met! Jeez! Take a chill pill.

On the more serious, let’s talk truth, side of things, I enjoy perusing the apps, reading profiles to see who’s clever, witty, and down right mind blowing with their descriptions. You can always tell the serious, “I’m here for a relationship guys,” from the serious, “Can we just do the booty call and be done guys!” Most the time…not always! Sometimes they play the phantom hook-up guy masked as a LTR guy and vice versus.

My daily perusing profiles, between living, breathing, working, and not being addicted to my apps, I’ve amassed quite a little list of one-liners, two sentences, or more that tickled my pickle. I figured, why not share them.Maybe a few of you can learn something that will get you more booty calls, real conversations, or more “Private Pics Unlocked” greetings.

Relationship Oriented Guys

  • More interested in a mature brain and good manners, not pumped muscles and a big tool. Yeah, but would he boot those pumped up muscles out of bed. Nah. I Think not!
  • Just a regular guy caught in this gay purgatory somewhere between one-night stands and happily ever after. Obviously he hasn’t experienced, happily ever after purgatory yet.
  • It’s great to chat with people who have faith in something and pursue life with deliberateness. Is he deliberately coming onto apps because he cant’ find guys of faith in something anywhere else?
  • I believe that you should never make someone a priority when you are nothing more than just an option to them. No snide remarks from this coach. I’m in full alignment with this guy!
  • If you could love the wrong person, imagine how much you could love the right one. With that being said, I am willing to lie to your mother about how we met! Preach son! Preach!
  • Marriage. Cue the running. I’m too goal-oriented for this endless casual dating b.s. I’ like stability and long-term commitment. I’m way to overqualified to be a temp. This boy needs to be hiring himself out to write profiles! Just sayin’!

Comedians Who Missed Their Calling

  • The probability that a guy is extremely hot is an exponential function that strictly increases with distance. So true, so true, so true! It’s a whole new version of erectile dist-function.
  • As men age, updating pictures lowers at a drastic rate. I wonder if this is true on the heterosexual dating and hookup sites as well?
  • Life has a funny way of playing with us and not apologizing. Just like most the guys on this app…but I’m a dreamer! Gurl, I’ll play with ya with my porn star body that’s trapped inside a 51-year old daddy chasis. See, I can dream too!
  • Looking for friends, follies, and f-ck buddies…or like most people on here, looking to message back and forth, swap pics, talk about meeting in person, flake out, go silent without ever meeting. LMAO, LMAO, LMAO. I want to meet this guy!
  • No friendship or stimulating conversation ever started with the words “Private pictures unlocked.” Surprise me! Something tells me this one should meet the next one on the list.
  • I think that unlocking private pics is a great way to say hello! Bachelor #1, please read bullet point directly above.

Truth Speakers

  • I’m into husky to muscle…let the endless back and forth texts begin. At least he calls it like it is!
  • Penis size is irrelevant. It’s the whole enchilada that gets the sour cream. Would you like chips and salsa with that order?
  • Sexy is everywhere, so why limit ones self. At least he’s honest!
  • I’m a phenomenal work in progress. 5 stars for confidence. 1 star because I think this is a masked warning that doesn’t’ match his profile pic!
  • And gentlemen don’t get all full of yourselves, at least my partial face pic is current, and not from college days! Hmmm. Bitter, party of one. Must not have had to much fun in college or is constantly getting ignored by the college boys.

As you can see, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve pondered the plight of gay men as they’ve broken their nails, rubbed their fingerprints off their fingers, and suffered carpal tunnel syndrome making virtually impossible for them to masturbate, all from their incessant need to surf their app of choice. Trust me, I know! I haven’t given up my apps either.

Yet the one line of prose that brought tears to my eyes, is as follows:

I have sensitive nipples. They cry at sad movies!

With that, I bid you adieu to get back to your apps. Be safe out there, and don’t’ hook-up with strangers without at least unlocking your private photos first!

Rick Clemons, Life Strategist, Author, Professional Speaker, Entrepreneur

Ready to break the mold of let’s just screw and see where that gets us? Take a chance, invest in getting to know yourself at a deeper level, and create a life strategy for dating, mating, and making work Man2Man. Schedule your strategy session today for free!

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

About the Author

One Response to Sexy, Good, Funny App Profiles

  1. George Akerley says:

    Rick, I’ve never read profiles in the way you do, but I might just start to do so. After all, we can certainly enjoy a laugh or two at what we read. Now that I’ve said that, I hope I’m not one of those guilty ones who stray from the subject at hand (in hand?) or murder the English language (or others), or set myself up to be the perfect partner for that perfect partner I’ve been seeking.
    Thanks for your insight into the Gay Male psyche…I hope it’s food for thought for a whole bunch of us.

Leave a Reply to George Akerley Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

Back to Top ↑

  • Categories