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Published on March 20th, 2014 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

Sex vs. Intimacy: Which Means More To You?

by Rick Clemmons

Without sounding like a headline on the cover of Cosmo, I seriously want to know, “Does your man sex you up, intimate you up, both, or neither?” If you answered “neither,” it’s probably time to move on and get a new man.

Yet the irony behind so many relationships in our M2M world is the quest for sex, yet what many guys yearn for is the intimacy. This always confuses me. If you want what you want, then why don’t you go for what you want? I realize the head between your thighs often sticks out and navigates your decisions, but after that roll between the tangled sheets, or blow in the stall, aren’t you still yearning for INTIMACY?

If you answered yes, then what’s it going to take to stand in your power, acknowledge sex is great, but intimacy rocks? For most guys who finally woke up and smelled coffee, it takes self-love, determination, and patience to get the whole package and I’m not talking about the one strapped into a nice PUMP jockstrap.

So let’s talk about cars. I know you’re thinking this guys smoking something and got his wires crossed writing for Healthy Gay Lifestyles vs. Motor Trend. Nope, no mix up, just trying to use metaphors to make a point, so pay attention so I don’t have to hurt ya.

When you go car shopping, what is one of the most common things you do? You have a list of needs, wants, and desires for that new car. Price, options, color, etc. The same applies to shopping for a guy who gets your intimacy requirements. However, I bet you’ve never listed out what your intimacy needs, wants, and desires are, have you now? Ok, maybe you have but they’re stuck up in your head, easily distracted by the lower head.

The real power in making an “intimacy desired” list is that you get it out of your head, onto paper, and make it real. Plus, once you start to write, it’s kind of like imprinting the list solidly into your memory. No I’m not going to make you write each item on your list 100 times so you remember, but there is power in memory recall to writing down you what you desire from a partner on an intimacy front.

Let’s do a little experiment. Imagine that one of your intimacy desires is to be touched casually on your hands, arm, thighs, back, etc. For you this signals a form of security, desire, warmth, and companionship.

Over the weekend you go out to your local bar with friends and start chatting up a guy. What you notice is that he shy’s away anytime someone casually touches him, even if it is in passing by in a crowded bar. This might be a little pink flag that he may have some intimacy problems, or that it might take him sometime to let you into his personal space bubble. While this is an extreme example, it does demonstrate, by having written down your intimacy desires, you’re more keenly aware of Mr. Right Now who may not be Mr. Right in the long run.

Here’s the three-step process I use to help clients start this journey towards defining what they desire intimately from a partner.

1. Define what intimacy means to you and only for you. Don’t make a list, just write about what intimacy signifies to you, how it makes you feel when it’s present, when it’s lacking, and why it’s important for you to have it in your relationships. Notice I said relationships plural! Knowing your intimacy desires on the family, friends, boyfriend, partner/husband level, will also help you know if Mr. Stud Muffin is weaving the right intimacy web or if he’s only at the friend intimacy level.

2. Now make your list. On a sheet of paper make three columns. In the first column, start writing your list of intimacy desires. In fact, just go ahead and make that the title of that column. Take your time, write it out long-hand to make it more effective, and then set it aside for a day or two, then come back to it. This break is very important, so don’t miss this step.

3. Why and Feel. When you come back, after taking a break from the list, look at the list and mark off anything that doesn’t resonate for you now that you’ve had a chance to revisit the list. Once those are marked off, then write “Why” at the top of column #2, and Feel at the top of column #3.

Yeah I know. You know where this is going. It’s not like I was trying to trick you for crying out loud! So go ahead do what you know you have to do. Next to each desire, write why this is important to you in column #2, and how it will make you feel in column #3.

I know, this kind of sucks when you’re told to go deeper in this manner, especially when you’d rather go deeper in other ways, but let your heart and logical head guide you here. There’s plenty of other opportunities to let the other head guide you.

The goal is to get intimately intimate with your intimate desires. Now say that three times as fast as you can. Seriously though, when you can get real and intimate with what you intimately desire, it should be much easier to communicate this to a potential suitor or with your guy you’re banging in a relationship with now.

Go ahead, put on your big boy 2xist briefs, and get your intimate juices flowing. And don’t worry, you won’t need a towel to clean up the mess you make being intimate unless it leads to “Saddle up cowboy, it’s time to ride the pony!”


Rick Clemons is a life changer, motivator, guide, mentor, and inspiring life coach, and author of the soon to be released, “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay.” He’s on a mission; guiding gay men to find their own voice, love deeply, work passionately, and live powerfully without regrets.

Ready to rock your relationship and quit playing who’s not doing what? Uncover what’s really getting in the way of you being a relationship rockstar.

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