Published on June 23rd, 2014 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles
My Boyfriend’s Straight…Kinda
by Rick Clemons
If you’ve never dated or had sex with a straight man, raise your hand! Just as I thought! We’ve all been bamboozled or willingly done the dirty dancing between the sheets with a guy who claims, “I’m not gay. I just like getting blown, ridden, and riding another guy.” Yeah right. Ok, maybe he’s bi-sexual, but he sure was eager to play penis swords with ya and about half the rest of the guys in the room wasn’t he? And, where did that little tryst get you? Yes, you. The guy who always ends up with the “straight guy boyfriend,” or gets sucked into the drama of, “I promise I’m going to come out as soon as…” To that I say:
Is he really worth it?
From where I stand observing these types of relationships, coaching guys through “Oops I did it again,” you’ve got three ways these relationships can play out.
1. All talk and no do
2. He hurts you, you hurt him, or you both get hurt
3. Neither one of you have to commit which makes it a good gig
Of course, I guess I did forget the rare occasion that a “straight guy” finally pulls his head out of the clouds while pulling his other head out of somewhere else, and realizes, “OMG I am gay and I feel FABULOUS!” Sigh, why does it take them so long to see the light?
No worries! Once they’re out, then they can enter the freeway of gay love that’s just as confusing as heterosexual love. I know. Poor sap. He doesn’t realize, that other than the great sex, he’s got just as many challenges being with a man as he does being with a woman, except for one thing – no more “Honey I’m out of Tampons. Can you run to the store for me and get some?” Of course, if he’s procreated and ended up the lucky man of daughters, those days might not be over.
The real question becomes, what happens when you’ve been dating a guy, the sex is more fabulous than Rosie O’Donnell finally fading into the “Where are they now?” archives, he’s handsome, knows how to pay his own way and yours when appropriate, and rarely sneaks a peek at other guys, only to find he’s “straight?” Of course, the obvious first question, well maybe not first depending on how angry you are, is to ask, “How do you define straight?” If he responds, “Straight is when you walk a straight line with a Breathalyzer in your mouth and you don’t get cited for a DUI,” then honey, run! He’s as straight as they come and he just got his rocks off to complete another check on his bucket list. Ok, right that was kind of silly, but probably true.
On the other hand, he may be straight and exploring. If this is the case, you now stand in the quandary trying to decide, “Do I stay or do I go?” Instead of letting Mr. Happy rule your world, or letting your heartstrings strangle you, why don’t you simply ask yourself “How does dating, shagging, being with a straight guy align with my core values?” If you value respect, openness, honesty, and vulnerability, then Mr. Gay For Now may get your rocks off FOR NOW, but will he WALK OFF, when the reality of his sexuality starts to catch up with him? Ponder that and see what comes up for you.
When faced with a STRAIGHT BUT I LIKE TO PLAY GAY GUY, as a FWB, date, or relationship, only you, and you alone can face the dramatic swell of the music when asked “What’s next?” However, here a few things to consider that might help the decision process.
Best possible/Worst possible Scenarios. It’s rare that I suggest someone try to tell the future. However, it’s very common I ask clients to think what are the best and worst possible scenarios they face in any decision they make. Of course it’s mostly hypothetical, but somewhere in this exercise you will more than likely land on your truth and get a better sense of direction to go along with that erection.
Why is he worth it? Admit it. We gay men can swoon like a schoolgirl at the drop of a t-shirt, sparkling smile, or “Hi there,” if the guy is right in every way. In this case, consider truly asking if being with a gay who plays both sides of the bed is worth your time. Go ahead, be selfish, and make this decision for you. After all, what’s he got to lose? He’s having his cock and eating it too. But is the potentiality of only being available on his terms worth it to you? Yes my friend, only you can make that determination.
What does his exploration with you say about how he might explore again in the future? In other words, is he a cheat and if so, how long before you become yesterday’s “Been there done that!” Enough said!
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Having been the guy who claimed he wasn’t gay, but just liked having sex with other not gay men, I can tell you it isn’t pretty when the woman finds out. Luckily, I came clean with mine, but that didn’t cause the wrath of women past, present, and future from reigning down supreme. Seriously, if you don’t enjoy enema’s you won’t enjoy a screaming wife or girlfriend crawling down the your throat, the same throat her man was putting his penis down. It just ain’t pretty!
Remember shame and guilt? There back! Most of us, unless you’re just numb to life as we know it, encountered some pretty deep levels of shame and guilt for being gay. If you didn’t then bless you my son. You get the “Aren’t you special, now get outta of my face award!” Funny thing is, most straight pretending to be gay when they’re really gay pretending to be straight guys, suffer from huge loads (not the fun kind) of guilt and shame. Often, these emotions rise to attention at the most awkward times, leaving you full and blue in the groin area. Yes, he will be on all fours and something will snap and his heterosexual life flashes before his eyes causing him to stiffen and shrink. I know. Hard to believe any man can stiffen and shrink simultaneously, but it does happen. His levels of shame and guilt often lead to the demise of the relationship. A demise that if you’re not careful he can easily pass off as all about you when in reality it is all about him and his inability to look in the mirror and admit, “Yes I am a man who enjoys the finer things in life – blowing another mans penis, rimming his bubble butt, and gnawing on his nipples until he cries “Mary save me!”
For all the good times and great sex that can be had with the “I’m not so gay crowd,” for once in your life, put yourself first and ask, “Is this relationship in my best interest?” If yes, then play hard, play big and play long. If not, please watch your step as you exit from the crazy making world of man meets man, man falls for man, man discovers man is not all gay, man leaves man. Now go out there and find ya a good man if that’s what your into!
Are you struggling with finding Mr. Right or keeping the fire alive in our current relationship? Maybe it’s nothing more than getting clear, stepping back to you, and opening the doorway to consistent communication. Sign up today for a complimentary relationship coaching session – CLICK HERE!