Life Stories Man on the mirror

Published on March 19th, 2015 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

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I Wondered – Could it be True – Am I really Gay?

by George M. Ackerley

Despite the initial difficulty, despite my fear, and despite society’s declarations that identifying as gay was wholly inappropriate, I came to embrace my true sexuality.

I’m gay, I’m proud, I’m hoping that all those who are questioning will set aside their fear and recognize that it does, indeed, Get Better.

In late 1996, I met a young lady at a local club. We chatted, danced a bit and made our way out to the garage when the club closed. She had vehicular issues that evening, and when we realized that, I offered to drive her home. I took pains to be a gentleman, and saw to it that she’d return to her home safely.

Shortly thereafter, we began dating. I thought she was terrific, and her thoughts were apparently slightly different. Though we spent plentiful time together, there really was no romance. I tried my best to entertain, please and care for my new friend, who I tried to engage with as my girlfriend. She wasn’t having it.

In fact, before too long, a peculiar phrase began to flow from her. She asked, perhaps to humor herself, “Are you sure you aren’t gay?” I hadn’t given it any serious thought.Me? Gay? And here I am dating a woman? How could it be?

Our prospective romance was clearly not so romantic. We ceased dating in mid-July of the 1997. We’ve remained friendly through the intervening years, although not close. I see D. periodically, and it’s always been pleasant.

Looking back now, I am in wonderment. Did she really have Gaydar? Could she truly have known that I was gay? After all, I didn’t even know!

In that summer, I acquired my first computer, and I promptly sought out the infamous chat rooms of AOL. I met a number of nice people online, traded pictures, chatted, emailed, fell for, and fell down.There was a myriad of chat rooms available; something to please every palate. We could engage in repartee in a chat room, discussing our sexual habits; we could carry on and laugh in another chat room, poking fun at each other; finding out about our new friends, the people who entered that we didn’t know, and (predominantly) we found out about ourselves. Given the diversity of the chat rooms, one could find him or herself in a variety of conversations.

Sex and sexuality were predominant topics for discussion. While trolling through rooms, or by participating in conversations, one was able to meet a vast number of people, local and far away. I frequented hilarious chat rooms, mysterious chat rooms, sexually-oriented chat rooms, and even the most inane and mundane. The sexually-oriented chats were, for the most part, populated by men and women in equal fashion. It was a slight surprise when the “IM” came across the screen, and another man who happened to be chatting said hello.

Naturally, as polite behavior would require, I’d say hello and we’d engage in conversation. As time went on, there was one man in particular with whom I chatted often. We discussed the validity of some of the discussions from the chat room, and doing so maintained our interest. At one point, in conversation, he brought up the topic of masturbation. An innocent topic, so why not respond? “Sure,” I said, “I jerk off.

“His query, “do you ever think about guys when you jerk off?” left me speechless at first. As I tried to reckon with my answer, I wondered if he had some pronounced interest in men, sexually.

I recall that both of us denied any thoughts of other men, though we both agreed that it was – at the least – an interesting topic. I found that having been prepped by the salacious commentary of the women in these rooms, it was rather easy to delve into the topic.

We both swore that we had not shared any sexual activities with another man, while at the same time noting that it would be interesting to do so.

I’m unable to address my friend’s behavior subsequent to our chats. On the other hand, I realized that I knew nothing about this topic of same-sex behavior, other than things I’d read on occasion that spoke of gay sexual activity.

Now, of course, we all knew that “gay” meant homosexual, and we’d been taught that any homosexual activity wasn’t just improper; but that it was also fraught with danger. AIDS wasn’t quite “old news” yet, but we’d all heard of it and the consequences of “aberrant” sexual behavior.

At the same time, discussions online continued to carry the same thought; “have you ever had sex with another man?

“Well…Yes and No. Yes, because I once let a man fondle me — after a few drinks. But No! I’ve never touched another guy – how crazy!

So, our internet discussions went on and on. I was slightly confused, and slightly aroused at the thought of this forbidden activity. Not long after my initial encounter with these thoughts, I found telephone “chat lines” that were open to all. I discovered that all I needed to do was to dial in, and attempt to listen to profiles of men and/or women who were seeking romance, friendships, sex and companionship.

My recollections of the chat room and the fantasies I’d had led me to listen to messages from men who were seeking men for intimate encounters. Amazingly, there were a few men whose introductions were somewhat stimulating.

I took note of one of these men in particular. His name was Steve. He described himself as short, light-weighted and interesting in meeting men for enjoyment. I was enticed, and given the opportunity, I left a message on his line, suggesting that I’d find it interesting to meet him.It didn’t take us long to arrange a meeting. He invited me to his apartment, which was a brief walk from my home. Steve wasn’t cute, but I couldn’t simply turn around and walk away. That would have been rude.

When I arrived at his apartment, we sat on his couch, talking about not much of anything, and we were both certain to maintain a bit of physical contact. After a while, he suggested and I agreed that we would enter his bedroom and relax there. After all, that was the night’s program. He had previously indicated that he was a smoker, and I was hopeful that he wouldn’t want to kiss me.Naturally, as we settled under the bed covers – both of us now naked – a kiss was pretty much the first step. Fortunately, his breath wasn’t too awful.

We fondled each other. I had never held another man’s penis. Wow! It was fun, it was delightful, it was different; but most of all, I discovered that it was proper. I could tell immediately that I wanted his penis in my hand, and soon in my mouth. Without wasting too much time, I slid down in the bed and took his penis in hand. Almost immediately, I opened my mouth and kissed and licked his now-erect penis. Gosh! I’ve never had a man in my mouth before! What should I do? Naturally – quite naturally, as if it was common, I proceeded to suck on Steve’s erect penis. It didn’t take much time. In a short while, my mouth was filled with his ejaculate.

Steve was happy. I was happy. But, wait — oops! — what just happened? Steve left the bed and went into the bathroom. The semen that I’d had in my mouth was now in my belly. Steve was washing up, making sure his slowly-shrinking penis was clean. A bit of semen was on my lips; I licked it off and swallowed.

It was abundantly clear that we were done for the night. I was angry, but I said nothing. It was unbearable for me to think that he would ignore my needs. When I left his apartment, I was sure I’d never see him again.

Upon returning to my home, I was afraid. No, I didn’t think I’d be arrested, nor outcast for having performed that sexual act. My fear was that I was actually gay. After all, could there be anything worse?

I had anger in my heart and mind, all because Steve didn’t perform for me as I did for him. I was also terrified — am I gay? Does this prove it? I swallowed a mouthful of his semen! Was that proof that I’m gay? What am I going to do?

Eventually, I succeeded in calming myself down. But the question remained – Am I Gay? This might have been the scariest moment of my life. And… don’t forget… I was mad!

About two weeks went by, and I called Steve. We agreed to get together again, and the second time was amazingly better. Yes, I swallowed a mouthful of Steve’s semen – but he swallowed mine too! Hooray! We were equal. Cuddling, hugging and kissing were proper and oh so sweet. Being able to accept his penis again was a delight. I swallowed this time with pleasure.

I was still feeling some trepidation, but I could not set aside the thrill, the enjoyment, the delight that I felt at having the opportunity to perform fellatio on another man. His reciprocity was inspiring.The second time around, I was most pleased. I was gratified, and I was beginning to realize that learning to love a man was as natural as anything I’d ever encountered.

Steve and I continued to see each other from time to time in the next few years. I can’t say we ever dated, since our time together was pretty much exclusively at his home. We were not “lovers,” but there’s no doubt that we were friends – two gay men who found friendship, companionship, freedom and caring — together.

Ours was a friendship that took a while to actually “become,” but there was a special bond — two wondering men recognizing their affection for each other.

Despite the initial difficulty, despite my fear, and despite society’s declarations that identifying as gay was wholly inappropriate, I came to embrace my true sexuality.

I’m gay. I’m proud. I’m hoping that all those who are questioning will set aside their fear and recognize that it does, indeed, Get Better.
_________________________________________

George M. Akerley is a well-traveled and enlightened gay man, with a fervent desire to help his fellow travelers through the processes of recognition, acceptance, enjoyment and fulfillment as gay. He has struggled in his own life with acceptance of being gay, and knows that others suffer in dreadful ways. By sharing concepts and precepts, he hopes to have a powerful and important impact on others in similar situations.

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