Mental Health Young man thinking

Published on October 30th, 2013 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

How The Heck Do You Define You?

by Rick Clemons

I was 38 when I sauntered into my life. I’d been alive and taken many typical journeys from birth to adulthood, yet I still hadn’t filled out my Calvin’s to define who I was fully without an erection. To say it was painful is spot on accurate; yet, I was so blindly numb to my own existence that I felt nothing. Masks of pretending to be something I wasn’t to make everyone else feel comfortable were making me itch, sweat, and suffocate.

Married to a wonderful woman, father of two beautiful girls, living the high-flying executive dream, kept me, and all those around me blinded to the truth that stood in the shadows. I was a gay man living a lie. A deceit that affected every aspect of my existence – friendships, finances, spirituality, intimacy, family relations, and personal growth…nothing was immune from my inability to come to terms with me. In this haunting shell of an existence, I was subconsciously learning lessons that would finally bitch slap me into my own award winning realty show, no acting required.

No longer content to live “as if,” I finally jolted awake, finding it more painful to stay where I was than to forge ahead to an existence I’d never experienced before. Sound familiar?

My story probably resembles your own to some degree. Fear, excitement, anxiety, and hope, all wrapped up in one chaotic state of “coming out” to be yourself. Your journey out of the closet may have been easy or fraught with memories you’d rather not reawaken. Either way, your coming out is an integral part of how you define who you are today, like it or not boyfriend! In fact, your coming out may be the reason that you continue to feel something’s missing or that your cups half full, a quarter empty, possibly even non-existent. More often than not, you find yourself asking, “When will I feel complete?” Never. Just kidding. The answer is, “When you get real, from the inside out about who you are in your own skin, without regrets!”

In no way is this suggesting you become a cocky, “Me, Me, Me” spoiled adult boy who thinks it’s all about himself. That’s really not pretty! Instead, let’s figure out where you feel empty in your life by using the WWHWW Formula.

  • What is it you really desire to be the real you?
  • Why is it important for you to be you?
  • How will being authentically you make you feel?
  • What is keeping you from allowing yourself to come alive?
  • What are you willing to do to become your most authentic self?

I know, easier to ask the questions than to uncover the answers. Stop your whining because I totally feel your pain, so let’s use something from the past to help you dig up the answers. Take a moment; think back to the thoughts that used to beat the living daylights out of you prior to coming out of the closet. Don’t dwell on the pain so much as the desire you had to be yourself in your true sexuality. Now let’s reframe the questions.

  • What is it you really desire to be the real you in your sexuality?
  • Why is it important for you to be you as your sexual self?
  • How will being your sexual self make you feel?
  • What is keeping you from allowing your sexual self to come to life?
  • What are you willing to do to become your most authentic sexual self?

Maybe your inner Diva, Twink, Bear, or Muscle Daddy voice doesn’t speak like this, but the gist’s of the questions are the same. Somehow along the way, you miraculously found yourself wading through overwhelming thoughts and questions, only to find a kick ass way to accept your sexuality. Now it’s time to wash, rinse, and repeat.

Finding yourself at the crossroads of career dissatisfaction, lacking in romance department, battling health challenges, struggling to make ends meet, and searching for a spiritual connection, all require one thing to change your dialogue and direction; you defining you in each area of life with a very clear and concise vision map.

  • What does a passionate you in your career look like?
  • How does a romantic you do a intimate, loving, sexually energized relationship?
  • Is the healthy you a gym rat or an outdoor enthusiast?
  • What does a financially responsible you do to manage your finances?
  • How do you connect to your spirituality?

With a little practice, using the WWHWW Formula can become second nature. The more you practice using this formula the sooner you’ll discover that you quit second guessing yourself, decision making becomes simpler, and there’ll be no need to be anything in any aspect of your life other than who you are, based on the vision map of yourself you’ve designed!


Rick Clemons is a life changer, motivator, guide, mentor, and inspiring life coach for gay men who are ready to be the man they want to be, not the man they think their supposed to be. He’s on a mission; guiding gay men to find their own voice, love deeply, work passionately, and live powerfully without regrets.

Rick’s a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) who’s been featured on The Ricki Lake Show, Huffington Post, and is a highly sought after radio show guest, blogger, author, and Sex Coach U Faculty Member. He resides in Riverside, California with his partner of 12 years (whoa dude), two teenage daughters (whoa again dude), cats Herman and Lilly (sorry no dogs), and a 200+ bottle wine collection, minus what he drank while writing this article.

Hook-up with Rick at or by calling 949.637.1838.


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