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Published on December 3rd, 2013 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

Gay Dating. Start Here.

by Rick Clemens

So you’re ready to make the move to dating – casual or serious. Doesn’t matter your intentions, in order to be a gay dating success, you have to start here…WITH YOU!

If you don’t know yourself, really, really well, you’re taking the long road to dating success. You’re not going to find yourself in your date, it just doesn’t happen. And, if it’s voids you’re looking to get filled, other than between the sheets, then again you’re going to be very disappointed.

No date in the world, even the richest sugah daddy, largest penis, or A-list Adonis, will satisfy what you hunger for most in your dating life until you stop and get a whiff of you – with or without deodorant.

Of course dating’s going to open your eyes to what you want more of and less of in a guy. Honestly, all kidding aside, by god you better know yourself damn well or you’ll falter and fall flat on your face over and over again. How do you avoid injury to your handsome face and insult to your ego in this man-date-man world we gay guys live in? Simple, be confident, authentic, and your sexy self with any guy, including yourself. WTF?

It all starts with you. If you aren’t confident in yourself, aren’t being authentic with yourself, and don’t see yourself as sexy, then big guy, you’ve already lost the bet before the horse is even out of the gate.

Ready to change all that? Let’s do it.

1. Why? Funny how 3-letters can change everything, even our thoughts about dating. Get down, dirty, and real about why you want to be dating. No fluff. The real stuff. There ya go. Assignment #1 is now your homework.

2. What? While it may seem obvious, after you’ve gotten down, dirty, and real about “Why” you want to be dating, it’s time to messy, mindful, and meaningful about what you want to experience in your dating expeditions. More fun? Deeper connection? Escape from loneliness? While asking yourself “What,” make sure you’re pairing that up with “Why” to help bring more clarity.

3. How? To round out this winning trifecta, ask yourself “If your why and how are being satisfied in the dating arena, how will that make you feel? We are creatures of feelings. Even the most logical of thoughts leads to feelings that then cause us to act. How is the driver. It’s the hands on the wheel, the foot on the gas, the palpitation of the heart that is the result of why we want to date, and what we want to experience. It’s all driven by how we want to feel.

Got it? Good, but were not done!

We’ve got three more important ingredients to be successful at dating that all start with you before you can slide into your Diesel jeans, adjust your crotch so it showcases just right, and head out the door to slay the man dragons. So focus. Stay focused.

4. Be confident. Lack of confidence can be smelled a mile away. The moment you walk into a bar, a networking event, even your local Starbucks, if you’re confidence is in the toilet, so will your ability to attract a man. How do you become confident? Observe yourself when you’re in situation that you don’t feel nervous. Those are the times that you are confident. When you’re talking to a guy you’re not all that interested in, you can probably talk with ease because you do not have to prove yourself. However, the moment Adonis Stud walks up and flashes his pearly whites at ya, and gives ya one of those flirty little arm touches, not only do you lose it in your pants, you lose it in your head…the one with your brain! The guys you really want to be dating are the ones that make you feel most uncomfortable because you’re trying to be someone you’re not. Just be you and you’ll be striking a confidence pose. Plus, you won’t be having to keep extra underwear on you to clean up unnecessary messes.. .maybe!

5. Be authentic. Confidence has a sibling called authentic. It’s already been alluded to, so let’s go a little bit deeper so we can get you dating. To become authentic doesn’t take a lot of work, it only requires that you be real. The real you, not the pretend you. Go back, re-read #4, especially the messy pants part. However, real authenticity doesn’t come from outside of yourself, it comes from within, and it starts with being very clear on your core values. Once your clear in that arena, it will become easier and easier to be authentic. For example, let’s say one of your core values is caring for the environment. Cool! Now, you meet a really hot guy, great smile, good conversationalist, and it doesn’t hurt that his biceps fill out his Ruff Riders perfectly. You’re salivating more than Joan Rivers who just caught sight of Sarah Palin in a moo moo. Next thing Mr. Ruff Rider does, isn’t riding you. Nope, instead he takes his recyclable water bottle and lobs it in the regular trashcan. You c an either confront the situation and stay true to your values or, justify his actions as a one time thing and swoon yourself into the arms of Mr. Non-Recycler. See ya in a few weeks when you’re core value catches up with ya and you’ve been recycled back into the dating scene because Ruff Ride or not, he’s just not a man of your values.

6. Get your sexy on! You don’t have to be Ryan Reynolds, Ty Diggs, Seth Rogan, Vin Diesel, or Daniel Radcliffe to get your sexy on. If you’re favorite guy isn’t on the list, sorry. I’ve only got so many words to work with here. The point is sexy is as sexy is! If you don’ t see the sexy within that makes you sexy on the outside, neither will anyone else. We’re all sexy in our own way. Yes, even you! Man up and find your sexy. The sooner you do, the quicker you’ll get to dating and finding the guys who see your sexy oozing out of you, even if you’re sporting a pen protector in your pocket. How do you do this? Ask others what they find sexy, attractive, appealing about you. Also, take all your clothes off, stand in front of a mirror and really examine yourself. You will, provided you don’t judge to much, find something sexy. Once you do, run with it. Hell, my hair ran away and now I find my bald head very sexy!

If you haven’t gotten the point by now, then here’s one last bit of inspiration…GET REAL WITH YOURSELF OTHERWISE NO ONE WILL GET REAL WITH YOU. Of course I mean that from the most loving place in my heart.

So go ahead, get out there and have fun dating. Just don’t forget to start with you first!


Rick’s a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) who’s been featured on The Ricki Lake Show, Huffington Post, and is a highly sought after radio show guest, blogger, author, and Sex Coach U Faculty Member. He resides in Riverside, California with his partner of 12 years (whoa dude), two teenage daughters (whoa again dude), cats Herman and Lilly (sorry no dogs), and a 200+ bottle wine collection, minus what he drank while writing this article.

Hook-up with Rick at or by calling 949.637.1838.

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