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Published on April 18th, 2014 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Monogamish

By Rick Clemons

Ok, I’m not going to steal Dan Savage’s thunder since he created the word, “Monogamish.” However, besides the way it feels slipping off my tongue, I like that it’s added another color to the spectrum of the already beautiful array of colors of the sexuality rainbow.

True confessions time. For me sex is sex and intimacy is the bee’s knees. If you don’t know what “the bee’s knees” means, it pretty much is like the ultimate orgasm. Now you add the lovely nectar of Monogamish, and you can have a pretty darn good sex life and relationship if you “just let it go,” and I’m not talking about that hard appendage between your legs.

Maybe it’s my perspective of having been married to a woman (GASP) for 13 years, and now in an equally long-term relationship with my man (yes 13 years too), that has given me the “eyes wide open” perspective that, your sex life is your sex life and no one has to put their nose in places unless they’ve been invited to do so, if catch my drift.

Now I love my gay brothers and sisters, but I just have to go on the record and say, “Monogamy is how the two of you define it!” In fact, I remember being at one of WEHO’s (West Hollywood’s) gay eatery and watering hole of the Mexican decent one evening with my man, and while waiting in line, we made nice with a resident of WEHO. Once our name was called for our table, we offered to have him join us – FOR DINNER, SO GET YOUR MIND OUT OF YOUR OWN LITTLE PORNO MOVIE. It was simply a nice gesture to a single diner so he wouldn’t have to be, well quite simply, a single diner.

The three of us settled into our table, making normal gay chitchat, and suddenly the conversation turned to “monogamy.” Not sure how that got mixed up in the chips, salsa, and guacamole, but in no time at all, our tablemate, was standing on his soapbox, lambasting us for not being in a “monogamous relationship.” Mind you, this is years before Mr. Savage coined the phrase, “Monogamish,” so I kind of feel jilted that I didn’t coin it first. But any who, back to the story. Basically all we shared was that we were secure enough to have been in a couple adult pajama parties involving a third man, and were totally cool with who we were in our relationship – monogamous to only play together.

OMG! You would have thought we had called Mother Teresa, Lucifer’s birth mother. Quicker than a few gay men will drop to their knees in a bathroom stall to blow a well developed penis, our table mate was preaching to the congregation (well actually just us, but if he could have gotten the entire restaurant to pay attention, he would have rocked his pulpit) that we, were not in any way in a monogamous relationship. Now having been faced with this backlash before, I realized that…

  • a) He was angry that all the couples, us included, are hooking-up with his available pool of potential “Mr. Right’s or Right Now’s”
  • b) Maybe he was jealous that we hadn’t given him the proverbial signal of, “How about dinner, drinks, and you’ll be desert?”
  • c) Monogamy to him, meant one man with one man, one woman with one woman, and one an with one woman

Regardless of where his mind was, it was the first time I realized, we, yes you and me, as a gay culture need to give one another a damn break.

I realize in this day and age that marriage equality is a huge hot button. Trust me. I feel your pain. If my partner and I had tied the knot in 2013 in California, because we could, we would have been sitting pretty on a potential $8K tax return this year. However, don’t accuse me of being a money hungry queen. Never have been, never will be, until Bradley Cooper courts me and dumps me, and then look out! Oh come on, a bear can dream, can’t he?

All kidding and dreaming aside, a Monogamish relationship works as well as an open-relationship and a married forever relationship, provided, the couple says “I do!” That’s all that is required, “I do!” Now, how that couple gets to that point, and agrees to the terms of engagement, is between them, and only them.

Of course if I looked like Dan Savage, and my partner looked like his model husband, I might question, “So why the Monogamish relationship?” But then, my logic would set in and realize, “They’re just being neighborly and sharing the bounty of their…damn good looks! SIGH!”

Before you judge others, and their relationship, and how they choose to be in it, realize that a lot goes into making a relationship work, on all fronts, and I don’t mean crotch to crotch.

Love, intimacy, vulnerability, and trust, take on many forms. All that matters is that the couple involved in the relationship sizes up what is in “their best interest” as a couple and thrives in the relationship they both know makes them love, care, and desire to be with one another…and maybe a few others that best fit their needs.

Are you struggling with finding Mr. Right or keeping the fire alive in our current relationship? Maybe it’s nothing more than getting clear, stepping back to you, and opening the doorway to consistent communication. Sign up today for a complimentary relationship coaching session – CLICK HERE!

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