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Published on July 10th, 2014 | by Healthy Gay Lifestyles

A Cure For The Common Toxic Relationship

by Rick Clemons

“He’s such a lying, cheating, bastard who can’t keep his fly zipped up. But at least he’s breathing!” Um hello! Settling, party of one. Of course if this is you, then you’re probably at the table with a boat load of other gay men who are chowing down on an entrée of better than the alternative, with a side of what other choice do I have, paired with a nice vintage of sure I can change him!” Hello girlfriend, you’re deluded and in a toxic relationship!

As much as we like the size of his cock, the bubble of his butt, the six zeros on the balance of his checking account, and the fabulous babbles he constantly buys us to say, “Sorry babes. It won’t happen again,” in reality the only person you’re deluding is yourself.

Toxic relationships are everywhere and they don’t have to include alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, or physical violence to show up under “T” in the gay mans dictionary of life. Often the most toxic relationships are the one’s where settling, loss of self, and making excuses for why things are the way they are prevail. So pull up a bar stool, grab a cool tall drink of water, and I don’t mean Adonis who just passed by, and let’s examine how to know if you’re in a toxic relationship.

We’ll start with a little quiz. 5 Simple questions, out of the normal 30 I’d use with a client, to determine the toxicity of their relationship. We simply do not have time for all 30, but if you hit me up, I’ll be glad to personally administer the remainder of the questions. And if you look good in a nice pair of Andrew Christian undies, I won’t even charge ya.

Now grab a pen and paper and let the exam begin.

  1. Do you often find yourself not speaking your mind in your relationship when an issue arises?
  2. Does your guy spend more time on his apps than with you?
  3. Have you had sex with your man less than twice this past month? (If you have a long distance relationship, an hectic travel schedule, or a medical condition, please skip this question. Although, these can all be excuses for why your sex life is toxic!)
  4. Do you often find you talk more to the dog than to each other?
  5. Have you recently looked at a beautiful lipstick lesbian and said to yourself, “Maybe!” (Ok, skip this question unless this is true. If it is, I can give you Anne Heche’s number and you and her can kibitz. And if you don’t know who Anne is, then you probably don’t remember when Ellen was out of the closet either. Google it, it’s all there.)

As you can see this quiz is very accurate. NOT! However it is about as real as some of the excuses you might be making for staying in the toxic relationship you’re in.

Anytime you find yourself pretending to be someone you’re not, out of alignment with your values, and making excuses for why things are the way they are, you’re more than likely in a toxic relationship with yourself and your man. Think about it. Go ahead. Close your eyes, oh wait if you close your eyes you can’t read this article. Ok, so imagine your eyes wide open, seeing your toxic relationship for what it really is – TOXIC. Scary isn’t it! That’s precisely why you stay in it! It’s scary to think about losing the relationship. That’s ok. You and some ridiculously high number of other inhabitants of Mother Earth feel the same way. No one wants to admit failure, face being alone, and having to enter back into the dog eat dog world of Man-on-Man Dating! Chickens!

Ok, you’re not a chicken. You’re simply a guy who’s blinded slightly by misplaced thoughts and beliefs. Never fret. I’m here to help. Here’s five quick ways to identify if you’re in a toxic relationship.

  1. You don’t feel like you have a voice in your relationship but you’re not doing anything about it.
  2. Communication has dwindled down to just the facts and the occasional let’s pretend we’re in love because it’s a birthday or anniversary.
  3. The thought of asking for what you need in the relationship is scarier than putting up with the mediocre existence you’re experiencing.
  4. You’ve lost yourself and not even sure who you are anymore because you’ve become who he wanted you to be.
  5. Each morning you wake with a sigh of relief glad that he’s already left for work.

Any of these sound familiar? If so, congrats. At least we’ve now diagnosed your relationship is fraught with toxins. Now let’s write a prescription to cure it.

  1. You were given a voice and it does count, so use it. Doesn’t mean you have to use it in anger or by whining. Man up and simply say things like, “That’s one way to look at it,” or “I have another opinion about that,” or “I have something to say about the situation.” You’ve got balls and their not just good for pumping sperm. Grab hold an pump up the volume of your voice.
  2. Make time for communication daily. For crying out loud schedule it if your relationship is that important to you. And if its not? Then you have your answer. It’s time to rid yourself of this toxic relationship and find one where communication ranks right up there with friendship, love, and hard-ons. Of course don’t be rash in your decision to walk if you haven’t worked on communication. But seriously after a few months of little or no communication, it’s time to hit the trail.
  3. If you need it, want it, desire it then bring it up. Don’t stand there like an ashamed little boy asking for an extra cookie. Muster up your courage and say, “Here’s something I want from our relationship and I’m wondering if you are capable of delivering?” The trick is to not need it. That just makes you a clingy Needon – a distance cousin to the Klingon. You don’t need anything but food water, air, etc. Go look it up on Maslow’s Hierarchy.
  4. Stop playing hide and seek with yourself. No I didn’t say stop playing with yourself. Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. Go find the self you were when you entered the relationship. Not the bad self. The good self that has some how taken up residence in the Once Was Towers at 5th and Nowhere! Losing yourself is a direct blow to your confidence. The easiest way to boost it is to say, “Hello self. Welcome back baby. Now don’t ever wander off again!” If he can’t handle it, then ask him, “Would you rather me pretend to be someone I’m not, or be who you want me to be?” If his answer is, “Yes,” then I guess you know where the door is.
  5. No need to elaborate much on the sigh of relief that he’s not home! Honestly, if this is how you feel and you’re still there, then I’ve got one word for you, “Coaching!” Get a life coach and breakthrough this crazy making you’ve fallen prey too. What you’ll find is if you’re sighing with relief about your relationship, you’re sighing with relief about other relationships in your life too and it’s time to break that habit. Get real, get coached, and start enjoying rich wonderful relationships. Coaching or therapy. Either one will kick your butt into the right state of mind.

Instead of saying “Toxic is as toxic does,” break free and give yourself a fighting chance at a rich, relationship. One where the only toxins that exist is after he takes a dump in the toilet!


Are you struggling with finding Mr. Right or keeping the fire alive in our current relationship? Maybe it’s nothing more than getting clear, stepping back to you, and opening the doorway to consistent communication. Sign up today for a complimentary relationship coaching session – CLICK HERE!

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